Thursday, August 8, 2013

Luxury Gifts

Another Constable Caswell story. Or, related to him at least.

Bringing back the drug dealers into this as well, in a different way.


"Fuck this, and fuck you, Michael."

"Yes sir."

"I'm not fucking kidding around, Michael. Our sales are down the drain. Your Instant Coffee idea was just horrible."

"It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"How about, if an idea can have the quote, 'it seemed like a good idea at the time' attached to it, it gets kicked out, okay?"

"Of course sir."

"Now we've got a problem. We need cash, fast. I highly doubt I can merchant you off as a prostitute, so we need to find a different method."

"I have an idea, sir."

"What is it? Dress up Roger in a mini-skirt and put him on the streets?"

"Actually, sir, I was thinking a theft."

"Do I look like a cat burglar, Michael?"

"No sir, but there's a museum around here, with several valuable paintings and jewels."

"Don't fucking tell me..."

"Thornsbury, sir."

"Fuck it, we're all in debt if we don't do it. Go ahead, get the thinnest guy we have to get ready."


The Museum of the Arts and Really Shiny Things was a great tourism spot for the town of Thornsbury, as watching the five police-men per cubic meter of space got boring after a while, though it was a topic of much debate on how exactly they got that many police-men in that space in the first place.

So when the Museum of the Arts and Really Shiny Things opened, the locals flocked to it like ducks to bread-infused water. Soon, tourists started hearing about the great quality of the Museum of the Arts and Really Shiny Things, and joined the locals.

This provided a lot of traffic to the town, which really was great for the entire place. Even the Hot Dog Stands would brag, "Check it, these hot-dogs were Museum of the Arts and Really Shiny Things approved!"

But because of the extremely valuable nature of the exhibits, police often would set their beats around the place, to discourage would-be thieves.

That night, Police Constable Richard Caswell was taking a walk around the property. The place was just starting to close up, and all the visitors flooded out in herds, talking about just how Shiny those Things were.

Richard made a point to talk to a few of the visitors, learning about what had gone on that day, how the art looked, etcetera. Since he couldn't afford entrance, he had to make do with the ravings.

He didn't this night though. He was actually in quite a rush. Reason being Richard forgot that it was Manchester vs. Liverpool, so he was trying to get home to watch the match.

This caused him to miss the one visitor coolly watching his fellows, waiting for them all to leave and for the building to shut for the night.


Luke leaned against the brick walls of the Museum of Art and Really Shiny Things, keeping his head tucked down, waiting for the last of the visitors of the day to leave. He had cased the entire building before making his attempt, so he knew where the most valuable paintings and Things were. Each item also seemed to have a price-tag attached to it, and the numbers were just to large for Luke to count. All he knew was that they were definitely larger than eight, for sure.

Once the last few visitors left the vicinity, Luke started making his way around to the back of the building, keeping underneath the cameras littered on the walls of the Museum of Art and Really Shiny Things.

Once there, he pulled open the fire escape door, and slid inside. While casing, he had made sure to put caps over the cameras that would give him trouble on the way to his first target exhibit.

The fire escape he had kept open with a brick. Seriously, why do they even label those things?

Luke made his way through the corridors, and up one set of stairs to the first exhibit.

As he entered, he checked around for any guards that would patrol through the building. Seeing none, he walked up to one of the podiums holding a Really Shiny Thing. he checked the tag to make sure it was the right one.


Value: $900,000
Shiny-ness: 10

Luke grabbed it, and put it inside his pocket, replacing it with a small mirror-ball, and started to make his way outside again.

"Oi, you!"

Luke froze, then slowly turned around, finding  a rather portly security guard standing there, hands on the flaps of skin covering his hips.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"I...I'm the Shiny Checker. If an object isn't shiny enough, I take it away"

The security guard considered this for the length of time it would take for him to consume the supply of a donut shop.

"Alright then," the guard said after a few seconds, "carry on."

Sighing with relief, Luke managed to make his way back out again, ready to report his success to the boss.


"A fucking mirror-ball?"

"It did work, sir-"

"A Shiny Checker?"

"At least he didn't get caught."

"Fair enough. How much did we get for it?"

"About a million, sir."

"Not bad. But you can do better. Send him back tomorrow."

"So soon?"

"Do you doubt me?"

"I'll schedule it right away, sir."


Richard had just found out a few things that had definitely made him very annoyed. The first was that the Museum of Art and Really Shiny Things had been robbed on his beat and he hadn't stopped it.

The second was that Liverpool had lost, and he was even more annoyed at that. So, when he came in to the Museum, he was understandably angry.

"How on earth did you not notice that he had replaced the damn thing with a mirror-ball?"

The security guard shuffled a bit. "Dunno, officer.. It was Shiny, and we aren't meant to touch the exhibits, so..."

"Then why on earth did you think that then it would be okay for this Shiny Checker to take it?"

"Dunno, officer. Never occurred to me."

"Bloody hell." Richard looked at the mirror-ball in his hands, staring at the broken up face looking back at him within it.

"We're going to have to put up our own cameras. Obviously we can't trust yours."

Richard put the ball back on the podium as forcefully as he could, and made his way back to the station to grab some equipment.


"Your tie is loose."

"Thank you, Superintendent."

"So what happened?"

"Liverpool lost to Manchester."

"Apart from the big news?"

"Well, the Museum of Art and Really Shiny Things got robbed. Took one of the smaller exhibits."

"Who do you think did it?"

"No idea, Superintendent. I'm grabbing some of the wireless cams though, to watch some of the exhibits."

"Alright. See what you can find. What do you have planned?"

"We'll see who it is, first."


Luke had cased the area again, and found out the plans to add a few cameras to the entire place. Nothing he could do about that, except avoid the main areas. Thankfully he had a lot of mirror-balls.

He entered the building from the back again, and went to the far side of the Museum of Art and Really Shiny Things, and went to work.


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